Giving and Receiving make for lifelong friendships

By Bob Peters || March 7, 2023

Going to School on someone else’s life experience 

One of the benefits of aging is that you accumulate experiences and memories.  Fortunately, most of the ones I remember are positive but there are those where I acknowledge that I made a bad decision and others where the ultimate decision weighs on my mind.  Was it the right decision or not?

Hindsight is always 20/20 but there are some major decisions where you just never know if you made the right call.  I believe I benefited from observing older folks when I was young to try and understand how their circumstances were impacted by prior decisions.  What I’m describing is not seeking an older person’s opinion, although that is often a worthy datapoint when analyzing any specific decision.  Rather, it’s trying to better understand how someone’s decision making resulted in a good or poor outcome.  “Going to school” on someone else’s life experience.

In Hindsight 

I’ve been thinking about relationships a lot.  People in their 80’s often struggle with loneliness as their peer group passes, mobility is reduced and engagement with the world narrows.  This generation grew up in the analog world where relationships were face-to-face, and conversations were on “land lines”.  Relationships were formed and maintained “in-person” where all your senses were put to use absorbing human interaction.  Conversely, folks under 30 grew up in a digital world where technology allowed connectivity to others, albeit with limited sensory input.  You might be able to send/receive an email or text 24/7, but you can’t hear the tone and inflection, see the facial expressions, smell the person’s perfume from a smartphone. 

We are not going back to a 100% analog world but there is something to say about exercising sensory muscles that may not be used on a regular basis.  In hindsight, the analog world does have advantages, particularly when it comes to fostering long lasting quality relationships.  It’s a good thing to physically be in the presence of others.

Relationships Really Matter 

As you know by now the mission of this blog is “Helping prepare young people to live a financially secure and less stressful life.”  Many of the posts cover themes of financial literacy such as how to avoid debt holes, the financial benefits of being financially literate and keeping things simple, and how maintaining a budget can reduce anxiety by giving you a line of sight.  Putting the topics of financial literacy and financial security aside, I’ve also shared some thoughts on how our own behavior can help us live less stressful lives.

I’m no psychologist but it seems reasonable to think that the more contented (“happy”, “at peace”) we are the less likely we are to feel sadness and anxiety.  So, it is with the goal of increasing happiness and reducing anxiety that I offer up the worthiness of building, nurturing and maintaining relationships.  You don’t need to take my word for it.  Relationships really matter.  Check out the 85 year Harvard Study of Adult Development. 

The 1938 Harvard Study 

The 1938 Harvard Study of Adult Development is one of the longest and most comprehensive studies of human well-being ever conducted. It started with two groups of young men (including our former President John F Kennedy) – some from Harvard College and some from poor neighborhoods in Boston – and followed them for over 80 years, collecting data on their physical, mental, and social health. The main goal of the study was to find out what factors contribute to a happy and healthy life. 

One of the most striking findings of the study is that relationships (not money) matter more than anything else. The researchers found that people who had strong and supportive connections with family, friends, and community were happier, healthier, and lived longer than those who were isolated or lonely. They also found that the quality of relationships mattered more than the quantity – having a few close confidants was more beneficial than having many acquaintances. 

Relationships improve happiness and health

Some examples of how relationships improve happiness and health are: 

– Relationships provide emotional support and help people cope with stress, challenges, and losses. They also offer opportunities for joy, laughter, and gratitude, which boost positive emotions and resilience. 

– Relationships foster a sense of belonging and purpose, which give meaning and direction to life. They also encourage people to pursue their goals, interests, and passions, which enhance self-esteem and personal growth. 

– Relationships influence physical health by affecting behaviors, habits, and choices. People who have supportive partners or friends are more likely to exercise, eat well, sleep well, avoid smoking or drinking excessively, and seek medical care when needed. 

Money and Happiness 

One of the most common questions that people ask themselves is: how much money do I need to be happy? Is there a correlation between happiness and financial wealth? And if so, what is the optimal amount of income that maximizes happiness? 

There is no definitive answer to these questions, as different people have different definitions of happiness, and different needs and preferences. Your personal values will drive your personal definition of happiness. However, some studies have tried to explore the relationship between happiness and money, and they have found some interesting results. 

Income vs well being and Income vs life satisfaction

One of the most famous studies on this topic is by Daniel Kahneman and Angus Deaton, who analyzed data from more than 450,000 Americans in 2008 and 2009. They found that there is a positive correlation between income and emotional well-being (the quality of one’s everyday experiences) up to a certain point. That point was around $75,000 per year (adjusted for inflation would be $105,000 in today’s dollars), after which the correlation flattens out. This means that earning more than $75,000 per year does not necessarily make people happier on a day-to-day basis. 

However, they also found that there is a different correlation between income and life satisfaction (the overall evaluation of one’s life). Life satisfaction keeps increasing with income, even beyond $75,000 per year. This means that earning more money can make people feel more satisfied with their lives in general, but not necessarily happier “in the moment.” 

These findings suggest that happiness and financial wealth are not the same thing, and that they depend on how people use their money and what they value in life. Some people may be happier with less money if they spend it on meaningful experiences, relationships, and causes. Others may be happier with more money if they use it to achieve their goals, fulfill their potential, and secure their future. 

Therefore, the degree of happiness vs financial wealth is not a fixed formula, but a personal choice. Each person must find their own balance between earning enough money to meet their Basic Needs, Investing Wisely and Wants, and spending enough time and energy on other aspects of life that bring them joy and fulfillment. 

Reaching out to others feels good 

While Covid lockdowns contributed to sadness and anxiety it also gave me an opening to reach out to people I had drifted apart from. The lockdowns brought a universal experience to everyone all at the same time. We were all locked in and many hungered to have human interaction. All our patterns were broken at the same time.

To manage day-to-day life, we need to establish patterns. You wake up, have breakfast, go to school or work, go workout, cook dinner, study, visit with family and, repeat. Socializing fits into patterns but with the passage of time we lose connectivity with people who are not in our current life pattern. Often, it’s not because we consciously wanted to exclude people, we just lose touch as our situational patterns take shape. 

Zoom and FaceTime replaced in person interaction. For me, I felt emboldened to reach out to some folks that I had lost contact with and found others appreciative of reestablishing contact. The lockdowns reminded me that reaching out to others feels good. Receiving contact from others also feels good. While the Harvard Study concludes that the quality of relationships is more important than the quantity of relationships reaching out to others is good on many levels. Note to self: Include time to reach out and try to do it with as many of your senses as possible…think analog. 

If I were to do it all over again, I would have been less judgmental early in life

For the last 40 years or so I’ve often thought about three relationships where I consciously stepped back. In each case I had, at the time, considered them amongst my closest friendships. The reasons for stepping back varied. The first I felt taken advantage of. The second I felt underappreciated. The third seemed to violate my core values. I think about these three relationships often and my own judgement. Was I right or wrong? Was I too judgmental?  

Since these three relationships I have found myself more accepting of other people’s personal “flaws.”  Did I compromise my own values later in life? Did I wrongly assume that I could size up friends so easily?

Since that late teen/early 20’s time when I stepped back from three close relationships I have come to another conclusion; one of the best parts of aging is reflecting on long held relationships. I have been blessed with many. In some cases, I connect regularly. In others, we connect every couple of years. In all cases, they get better with time. We age together and have common histories and memories. We appreciate each other for who we are and are not judgmental for not checking off every “relationship box.” I am very grateful for these relationships. I feel an almost degree of penance…my gratitude and appreciation for many wonderful relationships was paid for by my loss of earlier ones.  

If I were to do it all again, I would have been less judgmental early in life. 

Every day is a new day 

Coming out of the pandemic many folks are anxious and struggling to feel connected. You are not alone. Human beings need relationships, and they require effort, communication, compromise and empathy. Sometimes relationships can be strained, damaged or broken by conflicts, misunderstandings or betrayals. When this happens, we may feel hurt, angry, lonely or depressed. It is important to nurture our relationships and repair them when they are in trouble. We can do this by expressing our feelings, listening to others, apologizing when we are wrong, forgiving when we are hurt, and showing appreciation and gratitude for our loved ones. Every day is a new day.